Money Lesson 12 “D.I.V.O.R.C.E.”

“D.I.V.O.R.C.E.”

Divorce, a simple word but the most complicated procedure that there is out there.

As Dolly sang, about these letters, she said it  ‘Tears the heart right out of me’.

Yes it does, however as much as it hurts emotionally, after all no person gets married and walks down that church thinking, ‘What if this does not work out’. But I will let you in on a secret……

Divorce is actually the quickest way to a financial downfall. How do I know? Cause I have been there, bought the t-shirt and wore it!

Lets think on this for one minute. You are going through emotional turmoil, at best you split your money in half. At worst, you lose almost all of it through legal fees, administrative costs, excess living costs and child support. But there is the in between part, neither of you have a pot to piss in as your both up to your eyes in debt! (this is what happened me). What happens then?

To say I felt like I was drowning is an understatement. Mine was back in the days where you needed to wait five years to divorce. Five years is like a lifetime at aged 30 with three children under the age of seven. This why I spoke so openly about changing the divorce wait time and why I fought so hard for the change to the time level in the law it is now and guess what we won.

One thing I feel I changed in my parents eyes was the NEED for divorce. I remember the vote for it during my secondary school years and what my parents thoughts were on it. Even at that young age I felt the need for it, however they did not. Many years later I said to them ‘thank god your vote didn’t happen, where would I be now? limbo’. By the way for any of my non Irish readers divorce only became legal in Ireland in  1996 with a YES vote of 50.28% and a NO of 49.72%. Thank you to the 50.28%!!

Maybe if I had listened to them and not ran up that aisle at aged 22 things would have been different but that is neither here or there, as it is what it is and I am here now with years life experience behind me. what does life experience give you? Knowledge and what is knowledge? It is POWER!

So what tips am I going to bring to this horrific situation?

I have some very practical ones but I also have some very emotional ones.

• Before you walk up that church, make sure you are both on the same path. Share the same money philosophy. My current partner is far more frugal than me.
• Understand marriage is designed forever, not just now.
• Have honest talks about about what you both want to achieve during your married life, financially based not just the bucket list.
• Know each others net worth. Decide how to balance this.
• If financial problems do come, talk about what you both will do? Will you run to the hills or will you work together to solve it.
• What are your future goals? Mine was always nursing but as a married half it was a no, we couldn’t afford it but I did it as a single mum of three. Make sure your both on the same page.
• Sometimes people part ways too quickly, I agree sometimes it is best for some couples to part ways, there are others who give up to easily. They think the grass is greener elsewhere, only to discover it is just a bag of leaves. Try whatever you can to make it work. Especially when children are involved.
• Separate your emotions from the financial issues. Feelings of revenge may be common in some divorces, but the only people who become rich are the solicitors. If you really want a divorce, work at doing it efficiently and harmoniously so you can get on with YOUR life.
• Draw a list of all assets and liabilities you have and your spouse. I give most claims away to have my house. I had no pension but I wanted my house. I give away any hold on my ex spouse pension to keep my house.
• Educate yourself. Sorry but a mum who worked 3 hours a day in a playschool with 3 kids before 30, I did not have a clue. I was forced to to take a crash course in financial issues aged 30 at the most difficult emotional time in my life.
• Analyze your spending. There was no pre-divorce time with me. It was just boom. I had to go through every aspect of my spending and as the barrister said ‘what do you live off? backed beans?’ Know where your money is going. Know every cent and where it is going.
• Know who you are marrying. This one get’s people as they can only see through rose tinted glasses, hands up here, but this is one of the most important aspects. As I have read in medical articles that our brain does not fully develop till 30. Your 20’s are meant for learning about YOU, not anther person, so take it slow. As a mum to teens I am like slow….down. There is so much to come.
• YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST. THEY NEED BOTH MAMMY AND DADDY. (Sorry for the caps on this but it is massive in my mindset).

In most marriages that split, both parties usually recognize early warning signs. This is more true with older couples, however one spouse may surprise the other. My own experience is a Pandora box I could not close. Whether the divorce is planned or unexpected, what I have shared with you should help. Most important thing is make sure your doing the right thing and not getting caught up in a reality that is not real.

It took me ten years to be honest with this post and I hope I help the massive amount of you I have spoke to about this same subject.